3 hours to leaving. 30.8.13

Few hours to I go now.  Stuff is all packed up. It has been a great trip.  I had a dream last night whereby me and my family were going up the stairs of somewhere filling with water. I felt some fear like it was associated with the current issues with Syria. The water stopped when we got near the top and we had to wait there. It was a strange dream, not really horrible though.

I slept quite well last night with a bit of the electricity jolt type thing again which I do feel relates lots to my Vegan and not drinking life.  It seems in particular maybe as I haven't been drinking at times I would've been doing in the past.  It feels good though. Rather than heading into meaniglessness and numbing feelingds it's becoming more aware.

Last night I could look at my list and people to catch up with and know I'd seen everyone.  Similarly I could reflect on how I felt happy about how I'd kept my Vegan sanity and related my Veganism with everyone well.  Getting a friend the book because I felt they could be interested and sharing Vegan food with people.  I really do feel I've found a part of my soul which was always lacking before.

On the tattoo front I felt last night I could almost go ahead with the one design I have now really.  I'll just see what comes up over the next two weeks then will book in again.  I will get it done soon.  The labyrinth and sun shows a lot for me and just that desire to have a cool tattoo of meaning is all good now.  That one design is 'good enough' I feel for sure.  I'll see what else comes up then make a decision.  I do hope for one more design of the labyrinth and sun then to go ahead. 

I feel I took a risk maybe to send NZ friend Diet for a New America but feel even if it serves just as deflection it's worth it.  It concerns me that as I become more connected and if he keeps going on about eating animals as acceptable then we will drift further.  I need to keep cultivating and finding my way well.

I feel kind of good about the trip back and how I can make a good week.  I want to make some plans and hope this writing can be ongoing to all parts of my mental health, particularly Vegan sanity but also around drinking, running and whatever else comes up.  It feels good to think of the next few months and continuing this writing process.

Will add that I've really been enjoying reading 'The Lucky Ones'. Really attaches us more to that deeper meaning.

Saying bye to Gran and accepting folks drive to airport

Said bye to Gran tonight which was sad but not too sad.  It was good I made the decision not to drive her home which seems like trying to make things sad which just isn't necessaary.  I packed a few things and am getting some good feelings about what it will be like back in Auckland.  Still a bit tense about the whole flight but know I'll be fine when I'm on there.

My folks spoke today about driving me to the airport so clear that's what they want and I feel happy going along with it really for their sake while being in good management of myself throughout and managing my emotions through it all.  It has been a really great trip and I do hope to come back in 2 years. :) :) :)

Farewell dinner out. 28.8.13

Had a great dinner out at Purplse Pakora again with Mum, Dad, sister and Gran. Was a really great curry again.  I had a vegetable dansak the same as last time. Was really great.  No issues whatsoever throughout the whole of the day again regarding being Vegan.  It would seem the mission to be veganly sane throughout my trip has gone really well.  There are no other major challenges expected.  It has been much much better than expected and just a new journey of my experience as a Vegan to actually come back and be comfortable with me being Vegan.

Today (29.8) I thought a lot about my friendship with my long term NZ friend and the rift my being Vegan has caused but I know that it is right and I will keep cultivating myself well with my spiritual development group to develop my compassion well and my Vegan friends to get that support to keep making the right decision forward whatever that is.

It has been a wonderful trip.  Last night I really enjoyed not drinking alcohol again although I did feel some temptation I really realised as I slept so peacefully (that was it, peace, a profound sense of peace) that it was a really great thing to not drink alcohol.  I am crowding it out. Love and Peace as a friend sometimes says on her messages.  I have more of a sense of that now.

Today is feeling somewhat stressful as I'll have my bye to make to Gran.  I feel not taking her home is best to stop it being too sad.  That holding on to that last moment doesn't seem right to me.  I'm not sure if I'm cutting off emotion.  It rather just seems emotionally responsible.  I'm really thinking that getting a taxi tomorrow would be best too.  I'm going to introduce that later.  Again I just don't like making it sad unnecessarily.  It feels weird and not appropriate.  I just want to obviously feel what's important to feel but have that good adapatation to change, like I've had a great time and we're all moving on with life and all understanding. That seems the way.

28 August so far. dentist and my new tattoo design

Well the day started off by getting a sample tattoo design, see above.  I'm just letting it sit with me for a while.  It all seemed more real when it came through.  I want it to have a labyrinth but wasn't sure of that one on the design at first but now thinking it could be good.  I wanted it to have the native american sun symbol with the seven rays but wanted it to look organic too.  It looked a bit bland just as it was originally.  This has 7 rays which are longer and I do particularly like the dotted artwork.  The labyrinth again will embrace birth death rebirth and progress. the traditional sun symbolises similar things but the particular native american sun is about peace and the healing arts. I'm wondering if it has enough of that in.  I'm going to cancel my appointment on monday anyway but I'll get a new design coming through too with the other labyrinth design.  I'm going to sit on it a bit to make sure it's just right. I want to make sure it is really what I want.

Went to the dentist and got 2 fillings. Never a great experience but glad it's out of the way.  i think the anaesthetic has made me feel a bit odd too. Didn't sleep so well or so long last night either. I was up late last night and kind of needed a bit more time to rest. I really want to wrap up my trip nicely and make a smoothe transition back. It's been a lovely trip with no Vegan issues.

As I write again I hear my parents looking at my new book I mentioned in the last post and discussing the cruelty of debeaking. It's great they're getting more aware. 'They have no right debeaking them' were my Dad's words. Good on him.

Tattoo update

Well I've been booked in to get my tattoo since before I came here.  I was due to get it on Monday next week in the morning.  I've been excited but never heard back from the Tattoo artist in the first 2 weeks of August as expected.  I had mailed a few times and never heard back.  I was actually going to mail to cancel and say I was a little disappointed not to hear.  I'm glad I didn't do that.  I decided to phone and she said she had been ridiculously busy.  Although she didn't say as much it seemed that she had somehow forgot about my appointment next monday.  I will now get the design in the next few days then will cancel my appointment and sit with the design.  I still hope to get it in good time before the marathon.  I wanted it when I got back really but a bit later will be okay.  I thought it would've been a nice coming back treat and affirmation somehow but nevermind.

I was thinking it may not be meaning to be but it still seems most likely on the cards and I'll just keep following myself with it all and what feels right. I've been tempted to mention it to people but have barely done at all other than my tattood friends really when it's come up. I guess it is very personal and individual.  I do feel like I'll be more me somehow.  Not something to rush into.  I wish it could've been sorted by now but now it seems best to get the design and really get it sorted aiming for over the next month or so. :)

Anyone like to share anything about their tattooing experiences? Any tattoos with particular meanings to you?

27 August. Saying bye to 2 people

Today I met an old good friend and we went for a walk out again.  I was able to take over some Vegan cake for him and his girlfriend which felt cool just to express that sharing of Vegan stuff and to be integrated and involving and promoting.  It was strange as I guess at the end it was a saying bye really.  We hadn't seen eqach other for 4.5 years until this last month and now it will likely be atleast another couple.  There was a handshake.  he's not a man hug type of guy and that's okay.  I felt good in the sense of being a person now who can cope and work well with change.  I think of Tao masters I've met who have this overall connection to things and seem able to understand more that fundamental idea that change is the only constant.  I'm getting better at that it seems but I'm not there yet.  I'm hoping to feel that in the rest of my trip as I finish off.

At night I visited a cool girl -friend.  We joke we are like brother and sister. I felt sadder leaving her than my friend earlier but it was all good on the whole.  I do feel it's important not to make it too sad.  We had some nice times and we'll keep in contact.  We have good affinity with one another I believe and we'll meet when we're meant to.

She said thanks for Diet for a New America but doesn't want to read the factory farm stuff.  That's all good and fair. She is vegetarian anyway.  Hopefully she'll enjoy the health stuff.

As I write this it's interesting over hearing my folks and sister talk.  My Dad is speaking about the cruelty of the current killing of badgers for supposedly weeing on hey causing the cows to get ill.  My Dad is saying why can't it be just fenced off properly rather than shooting them.  My sister's reply was 'we need to all just become vegan'.  It's cool to hear that as I write this as sad as it is.

I've started to The Lucky Ones by Jenny Brown.  A very Veganesque book.  About a lady's fight to help farm animals.  It makes me so sad that so many people aren't able to open their eyes more.  Again thinking back to the blog post about the hardest thing about being Vegan.

Monday 26th. Run. Meeting an old friend. Football, football culture, ego and now Vegan

Today I met with an old friend at 2pm for a drink in the pub.  I stuck with soft drinks (see my other blog).  I chatted with him and his girlfriend which was really cool.  The only vegan thing that came up was him saying so I hear youre Vegan now.  I just said yeah it's been a lifestyle change in the last year and it's worked out really well.  There wasn't any judgement and it was just nice.

I got out for a run after. See my run blog. That went well.

Later I went to the football with my Dad. The first match for 4.5 years.  It was funny how a lot went through my mind.  I enjoyed the match.  An interesting 0-0 draw and nice to be at my childhood teams ground 'Old Trafford' again. 

I thought back to a few days ago when a friend posted something on the Vegan page of football fans celebrating with a slogan along the lines of 'how great would it be if these people could be so passionate about something that truly meant something'.

It made me think about what a big part of my life football has been.  Getting so excited, in tears over matches and now I truly feel I have accessed a deeper part of me.  The excitement is still there for football but I kind of realise there's something so ego about it.  I feel there must be some soul in the art form but I feel 99% of what all fans feel is all about ego.  I'm sorry if that sounds arrogant but it's my observation.  It's all about attachment to.  The excitement of the goal and winning.

It's strange to feel back on all that part of my life and wonder if it was all just a waste.  What did it really mean in the great scheme of things.  It was cool but maybe a lot was just surface that I misunderstood as having real depth.  I thought of everyone in Old Trafford.  Likely people who ate meat regularly.  The small proportion of Vegans and that brainwashed mentality of giving it no thought at all but looking away.

In my spiritual development group we speak of working with the heart (subduing it) and that makes sense.  Being vegan helps that so is such a great grounding in life.  It stops that attachment to things like football for me I guess.  I thought about the SAFE campaign of people holding the dead birds which I couldn't go to and made me think that that's what truly means something and a key to truly make a difference, by altering the foundations of how we eat.

Life is changing so much now.  It's so weird to think of all the football arguments and the stupid dramas around it when it should never be like that.  Great to really be looking at spiritual teachings and people like Gandhi and Einstein for what's important. I love how they talk about vegetarianism.  It does seem like my Veganism is something so true in m life that really makes sense.